Here is how I let go of my problematic fave

In the wake of the Lana Del Rey Doja Cat, identity meltdown of 2020, I decided to create a helpful guide for my fellow friends who are having a hard time emotionally distancing themselves from their problematic fave.

Immediately following Doja Cat being screenshot shaking her ass for the whites, one of my closest friends reached out to me explaining the incident. My friend like many of you was a huge fan of Doja Cat. They love their random blunt lyrics and Doja Cat’s keen eye for detail in her visual appearance. This close friend is a strong beautiful humble black woman. Devastated at the racist behavior Doja Cat displayed online, my closest friend was not the only one hurt. Several friends felt a similar array of emotions.This devastation was an overwhelming amount of sadness for the loss of talent, but more than anything confusion. Why would a black woman like Doja Cat willingly expel her blackness to known white racists? The same racists, if given a bored night, would have no obstacles in enduring harm to her and walking away un-cuffed. The answer to that question is part internalized racism. The remaining parts are all pieces of Doja Cat that we will never know. Hopefully, she explores these feelings with a qualified therapist, and she figures this out. Some of you have decided that no excuses will be given. After all, this is not the first time Doja Cat has publicly discriminated against a marginalized community. But how do you “cancel'' someone who has provided a light in your life? I understand exactly what you feel and what you mean.

I’ll go over my back story in the next episode of my podcast (Thoughts From Apt.69), so take a listen if you want a deeper perspective. For the sake of this Fandom Thought, let’s just say I was a hard fan of someone who equally disappointed me. I felt like the artist told me they wanted to break-up, but I didn’t see it coming. I thought we were on the same page with ideologies, because no one with hate can create like this. I had such a hard time letting them go. I felt guilt for thinking about the joy I felt when I heard their music. I needed a plan of departure. Fact number 1 about me, I am a social worker. I am a firm believer in Harm Reduction. I am not the type of person to suggest that you need to cut anything off cold turkey. I am also not the type of person that suggests keeping the candle lit if it means it is going to burn the amazon. We cannot control if the artist is going to feel remorse for their public actions, but we can control if this artist is in our lives. We treat cancel culture like a punishment to the artist, and not a boundary that the public is setting. The fan has the right to choose to ignore behavior and continue in the current unhealthy space, or seek and keep artists that they know have respect for all humanity and life. Or at least expect that when an artist is held accountable, they will take accountability. The problematic fave will do some real internal growth, and reinvest in the trust of the people they want business from. Each of these choices have consequences small or great. Like mentioned I believe everyone should have space and opportunity to learn and grow, but not at the cost of the sanity and/or guilt from fans. I believe that it takes time for people to process conflict and grieve their losses. We are talking about musical artists who make music that has an impact on us. We in turn form sacred attachments to time and emotions.

I found that by allowing time to mourn and giving myself limited access to the problematic fave, I built a foundation curated with the new knowledge I have about the artist, and I own knowledge of the world and the type of artists and people I want in my life. Here is my way to keeping my peace of mind and letting go of my problematic fave.

1. Mourn The Loss

Listen to your problematic faves discography on your favorite platform. Binge their music, while actively and consciously remembering their recent harmful behavior. It is really important to not forget the pain while listening. You will just rewind your mind back to a time where their behavior was non-existent. In order to heal, your body has to recognize the cut and remember every second to close the wound. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up for you. Journal it out, scream, cry, cuss them out, laugh etc. Do whatever you need to do to consciously get through their catalog. Take your time with this step. Don’t rush to complete the task, but do set a realistic time goal. For me it took about a week before moving forward.

2. Delete their music.

Once you feel content in their catalog, delete it. All of it. I know it’s hard, but this is what you were preparing for. I know I said a gentle let down, but allowing yourself the power to know what life is like without them in your regular library. You made that relieving power move in your step of letting go.You made the conscious decision to rid yourself of something that was no longer serving you a positive purpose. That's self-love and growth. Some exceptions I made were with the problematic fave being a feature on other artists songs.

3. Create a Playlist.

No this is not counter-intuitive. You are creating the playlist to forget and cut over time. Make the playlist private and hidden. For your eyes only, add your favorite songs. Like Marie Kondo from Tidying Up says, “choose [the songs] that are going to bring you the most joy.” The songs that hold the most sentimental value.Try not to add the entire album just a few songs from each album. My playlist is poorly thrown together. I carelessly threw all of my problematic faves in one playlist, so the list is long. Make sure you set your music platform settings to not add music from the playlist to your library.

4. Delete songs over time

Some accountability. Each time you play from the secret private list, listen to it guilt free. There is a reason why you love these songs. Continue listening consciously, and remember to not ride the roller coaster. When you're done listening and being consciously nostalgic, delete one song from the playlist. As mentioned earlier my list is very long, but making that conscious effort to remove the song furthers pushes me away from the attachment I had to that artist and the song.

5. Music discovery

Sometimes to get over an artist, you have to get under a new one. This is a great time to discover new music and artists. You can find an artist that sounds similar to the problematic fave. Most music streaming platforms, set up related artists to your problematic fave. You would be surprised how many artists have similar/ if not better sounds, than the people we once idolized. From my similar sound search, I discovered Charlotte Day Wilson, and Mac Ayres. I started listening to these artists more than I was thinking about the artist I lost. Another option is to discover brand new music and artists outside of the artist's sound. From my similar sound Charlotte Day Wilson, I discovered BADBADNOGOOD and a new love for jazz. Regardless of what you do, it is your choice. Just be gentle with yourself, patient in your process, and know you deserve to listen to artists that you know are going to respect you as a human before fan. All of these steps apply for any problematic artist with a very high exception for R. Kelly. You really need to stop listening to his music, his staff, and his crew.